The Balamb Trip
by Squall3
Summary: hot n sexxy riginal char. does stuff in teh garden. languge and is mayb givvin the pg-14 rating for sum SUGESTIVE MATERIAL! :0 ....?
1. Zell the Candy Island Junior Senator

"Zell, now you tell me, just what the hell are you doing with those jelly beans? What are you doing? Zell? Zell! Put the fucking jellybeans down, Zell. You're going to hurt someone, man, dude, just put them away."  
Zell looked up at me, completely stoned, pink eyes bulging with a desperation that reminded me of the Jolly Green Giant. But instead of being jolly, he's desperate. "I'm uh.... oh Hyne.... what am I doing?"  
The jellybeans were everywhere. The entire bed and most of the surrounding floor had been turned into a giant Willy Wonka ejaculation. There's no way of explaining the terror I felt.  
"Look man, I'm gonna be freaking out in a few, or so, or more, moments right here now, so, why don't you just sell me those downers, and.... then I can just uh, leave this farm."  
"Farm?" Then, a warm, enlightened, horrifying smile crossed his marked up face. For a second, I swear I saw his tattoo stage a semi-well planned, two front attack on both his nose and left ear. But that quickly passed. He seemed to understand everything now, so there was no point in asking about the battle. He already knew. "Yes... the downers... I'm going to pack them up with the beans.......... it'll throw Selphie off."  
No sense in questioning his tactics. He did take part in that whole SeeD business before he became a junkie, so he no doubt had solid plans. Just like that ever-plotting tattoo, which now smirked at me with the confidence of Hyne's sexual organs in a massive human orgy. Wait.... what? What the hell am I talking about?  
"Here man.... take the bag.... and don't worry about the payment... she checks my bank accounts.... we gotta wait a little while." He winked at me and gave me the thumbs up. Rather dumbfounded, I stumbled out of the room, and into the corridors of the Garden.  
  
What was I doing here? Obviously it was the best drug market in the world, other then that rotten Tomb of the Unknown King, but certainly that wasn't the only reason. However, memories weren't easy to concentrate on, not when the walls were vibrating so much. Take it from me, don't ever abuse Cura spells. You'll end up as tripped out as Zell back there. Poor guy can't even put his gloves on anymore. Not that he could find them in that Sugar Island Pit of Hell back there.  
I got back to my room about 55 minutes later then I expected, due largely to the fact that I got lost in the Training Center and had to eat my way out. I opened up the small bag I had gotten from that soul back there, and emptied the contents on my bed. I had to sort the jellybeans from the tranquilizers, for obvious and frankly quite personal reasons. This task was completed 55 minutes later then I expected, due largely to the fact that I got lost in my bathroom and had to eat my way out.  
I took five of the pills with a splash of Ether. I decided to put on a CD and crash out on the bed. I couldn't resist eating a few of the mystery beans as I lay though, because once my curiosity is piqued, it'll eat at me forever.  
Now, back to contemplating my reasons here. I-  
Is that fucking popcorn?! Popcorn jellybeans? What sort of advancements have they made in Candy Island since I last indulged?  
-can't seem to recall how I got here, but that's most likely all that Cura I ate with dinner. I'll get back to you on it. 


	2. Zell the Oracle

"You suck, my body is so much better."  
"Uh... what?"  
"Yeah you heard me! Just because you have the features of a Greek god just like every other original character doesn't make you hotter then me. I don't see Irvine sticking it in you on a daily basis!"  
"... how much Cura have you had today?"  
"Enough to make me know better!!!"  
I was completely dumbfounded. What was going on? What was this little piece of Trabian ass doing yelling at me? What could her last sentence have possibly meant? I seem to remember a good man once saying "a drug person can get used to seeing his dead grandmother crawling up his leg with a knife in her teeth, but no one should be asked to handle this trip." He never mentioned anything about coping with this while hungover. "Dogs expect if full. No fault of mine."  
"What's that self-insertion boy? Ready to admit I have a nicer body then you do?" Then the vicious brute began clawing at my face. There is no way to describe this. It was like something out of Kafka.  
After a lot of exchanged blows, I felt it was time to make my exit before I got accused of being a woman beater. I quickly sprinted down the hallway of the Garden and hid in a fountain so I could think things out in private. What brought on this attack? Did I even know her? The spirit of Zell suddenly appeared and sank down to the bottom of the water and gave me the answers. Her name was Selphie. She was jealous of my body. Obviously. And why not? Zell is right, I do have a body that is worth showing off. I am, after all, a self-inserted character. Thanks, Zell, now go on back to your body.  
  
I woke up to a mercilessly large butch woman that was trying to bite my lips right off my face. Startled, I immediately cocked my fist up to ear level and brained her on the spot. A lot of commotion. Hazy faces. Apparently the woman was giving me mouth to mouth. I feel no remorse, however. I'm sure she had it coming anyway.  
I sat up in a puddle of water, looked at all the blank faces, and casually walked away as if nothing had happened.  
No point in getting worked up over that scene though, there are more important things to do. Like thank Zell.  
After a seemingly never-ending walk around the Garden, I found myself back in the dorms. I was back in the L section, but I did have to pass the D's. Dincht. Okay, burst on in, don't believe anything you see, thank him, and get the hell out.  
The room was thick with incense smoke. I couldn't see three feet in front of me. A pulsing white light emerged, gently dimming and lighting, and Zell's voice came to my head like a whisper of a god. "Come to me my child, tell me what ails you."  
Well, this was not right. I hadn't used any substances the entire morning. This just couldn't be explained. I walked a few feet further and hit Zell's left shoe with my face. I took a nasty tumble.  
"Zell, what the fuck are you doing up there? Stop hovering and get down." He didn't hear me though. He just went on, floating, pulsing with light, and talking. "The treasure you seek is before the elevator. In time you will get what you want, before the elevator. Go now, seek out knowledge, and take a hit from the little black jar by the door. Farewell, my grasshopper."  
Uh... right. Move slowly. Don't attract any attention. Maybe I can get out with my life, so long as he doesn't move from his sitting/flying position. In my panic, I took more then a hint from the black bottle. I sort of took more like a shot. This was proving to be quite a weird morning.  
I stumbled towards my room and knocked a person clear off his feet. He cursed me for being a drug-infested hippy, picked up his belongings, and went into a room across from mine. It was previously vacant. I tried to read the name tag, but whatever was in that bottle made the most powerful Cura in the world seem like a swig of a potion. Things were getting very ugly. I grasped onto the poor boy's collar when he came out, muttered something that must have been along the lines of "she's not his book for the first time either, swine" and then collapsed. He swatted at me with a broom until I finally rolled back into my room, where I slept for the next 60 hours. 


	3. Plot Buildup

"So you moved here from Pennsylvania."  
"Yeah."  
"Well ah.... Jesus, that's pretty far."  
"Yeah."  
"Well ah.... want some Cura?"  
"No."  
"Ok. Goodbye." Evidently the boy wasn't up for casual discussion. No, he meant business, down to the bone. Well that's ok, his loss. There's little doubt in my mind that he'll be in the Infirmary complaining of a panic attack sometime near finals week. Hyne, I can see the poor fool now.  
  
"Dr Kadowaki! We have an emergency!"  
The butch woman walks in sporting a black eye from some quivering psychotic that almost drowned in the fountain. "What seems to be the problem? Do we have another suicide?"  
"No, this student can't breathe! We found him collapsed outside the library clutching seven textbooks, a Nunchaku, an issue of Hustler, and a small girl that moved here from Winhill! He was demanding the slaughter of the druggie that lives across the hall from him, and raving about floating members of SeeD!"  
"I see. Jeremy? Can you hear me? What's wrong, Jeremy?"  
The kid is flopping on the table like Leviathan cast on Cactuar Island.  
"Lucy, get me 50 cc of morphine, and a small black coffee."  
"I'm not your bitch! Get your own fucking coffee! We agreed to not have a dominant member of the relationship!!"  
Kadowaki glares at her lover.  
  
A very ugly scene, but no doubt what's in store for him if he doesn't lighten up a bit. In the meantime, I must discover two things; one, what on the FF8 Earth is happening with Zell; two, what to do about Selphie. I slipped my trusty Tic-Tac case full of tranquilizers into my pocket and made my down to the Dincht dorm.  
I opened the door to find Zell sitting Indian style in a foot and a half of water. Yet none spilled out when I opened the door. He appeared to be meditating. So... yeah. What to do. I tried knocking on the open door, but that didn't do much. I threw my tranquilizer case at him, and struck his left eyeball. This jarred his attention. The water then spilled out into the hall, tripping many Cadets. I, nor Zell, took much notice, and I decided it would be best not to mention. I don't think he even knew the water was there to begin with.  
Fifteen minutes later I emerged with a broken nose, a vial of Zell's blood, sixteen pounds of cat poison, a nude picture of Selphie that was apparently autographed in menstrual fluid, and a very, very bad headache.  
My instructions were simple: poison Selphie by putting cat poison in her feminine region. The only trick was to get her to stop being so jealous of my body. I'm pretty hot. I'm a self-insertion. 


End file.
